Well, when i found out i was expecting i was full of ideas of how things would go…..
In my mind i was going to be out running everyday, doing kettles, circuits, eating healthily as always…until at least 8 months anyway, then i’ll slow down a bit. I didn’t see it going any other way, how could i? I was fit, strong, healthy and had a fab appetite for all things green and good.
HOW NAIVE WAS I????? I couldn’t have been more wrong in every way!
I don’t know why but in my head my whole life i’d been sooo excited to become pregnant, i’d always joked that i wanted to be pregnant and then not give birth (that bit was always terrifying! I’d seen one born every minute don’t you know!) and then if a year later a toddler was presented to me this would be fab!!! (i was never very good with babies either! Have you seen the Friends episode where Joey holds a baby? Yeah, that was always me!) Honestly in my head i was back in the Je Tam kitchen 2-3 weeks later, baby in a sling making raw cakes to my heart’s content.
So anyway, in this perfect world i’d be skipping through meadows with my bulging belly. Singing and being followed by Bambi, Thumper and FLower and a whole loads of whistling birds….. Far from it!!! I think i got every dreaded thing that comes along with being pregnant, I was exhausted, not tired but really exhausted. I’d get home from work at 3 and have to go straight to bed!! My diet of beige food certainly wasn’t helping me. sickness, burst blood vessels, weird patches of funny coloured skin?? Exhaustion, moodiness, SPD, my hair fell out instead of getting thicker, i put on weight everywhere! I’d spend days just working and then going straight to bed and sleeping, this frustrated me so much. I’d always been really active, not just with exercise but also walking the dogs, my beloved dogs, my first borns from another mother. I felt like a big fat failure and to make things worse i still couldn’t look at vegetables!
Enough was enough!! College was drawing to an end which gave me more time, i decided to take charge and turn this around. I was referred to an amazing Chiropractor (Amy) who managed to fix my poor pelvis and has since become a friend. I started to read as much as possible about birthing naturally, i was convinced i didn’t want intervention or drugs. I spent all my time speaking and reading about amazing natural birth stories, immersing myself in them (thank you Steph, Loz and Claire!) I had affirmations next to the loo that i would repeat all day long, a fantastic midwife (thank you Naomi) and i attended possibly the best prenatal yoga (thank you Leif, i truly couldn’t have done it without your breathing!) I was determined but in this situation not naive. I knew that at any given time anything could go wrong and i had to arm myself with the information that i would need in the eventuality that anything did go wrong. Not in a defeatist way, i had the birthing pool (thanks again Claire) all set up but i also had a bag packed ready to go to the hospital in case i needed it.
I needn’t have worried, the birth was the most amazingly beautiful experience i could have ever hoped for. I felt amazing, i felt strong, capable, tribal even. I breathed, hummed and sounded my way through every contraction. It was more amazing than i could have ever thought! I kept waiting for it to “go wrong” but it didn’t. I knew what was happening in my body and i was good with it. I had the most fantastic support from Jon, my mum, Steph and Naomi. They kept me fed, watered and helped me to believe i had this! And i did….. At 10.52 on the 24th September the most amazingly beautiful precious little girl made an appearance, Silver Raine, laboured and delivered by me and loved by us all.
Since that night my life has been consumed with love for this little funny squish. She’s so alert and hungry for life, she’s taught me to be more patient, to slow down and take time to just stare at the garden blowing in the wind, to look at everything with new eyes and appreciation and i love her for that. I love how perfectly she’s slotted into our lives, how easy i’ve found the transition. I’ve learnt so much about myself and have changed my opinion on everything i thought about being a parent before i became one. We’re in this together, we’re learning together, we teach each other and that’s the way it will always be. So needless to say i didn’t make it back to work at three weeks, and i’m sorry that i’ve deserted you again but this is why and i think it’s a pretty good excuse!
Now i know it could have all been incredibly different, i know i had it easy, i know there’s a lot of people out there that have had an incredibly difficult birth and some ending in tragic ways and i’m really not trying to be smug or take anything away from anyone that had a traumatic and horrible time but i just wanted to share that it’s not always like that. I was incredibly lucky and i appreciate that and cherish it. I spent my entire life fearing birth and hearing awful stories about how much it hurt or how awful it was but i can honestly say that i spent the entire labour thinking “Well this isn’t as bad as i thought it would be?”
We’ve had an amazing 17 weeks together and i wish we could be together every minute of everyday but it’s time for me to start making my way back to you all. Things have changed, i’m a different person now, i’m stronger, more determined and i need to show Silver how to be a strong woman, not to let anyone take advantage of her or to cloud her dreams and i’m hoping you’ll all come along and watch me do it.
We’ve updated our site and we’ve got LOTS of fab new things happening this year that we’re really pleased to share with you. We hope you’ll join us for the next ride.
Love tam (and Silver )